Why Words Matter

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 How Verbal Abuse Changes Your Self-Awareness:

One Of the challenges I have faced in my parenting has come from the way I was raised. I am a rather sensitive person. In my family growing up this is a four-letter word. and it was hurled at me almost every day. Usually in the form of "you are too sensitive" or "stop being so sensitive." Along with that I used to hear things like: "don't borrow trouble" and "you are out to Lunch" whenever I had anxiety about things, whether they were big or small. Being told those things never made me feel less anxious or comforted. It also gave me some strange ideas about myself. I became convinced that my feelings were wrong, and that as I told a therapist one day "there is something about me that brings out the worst in people, and I need you to help me fix it, so people will like me. " I had become convinced that people were not being mean to me, but that I was imagining that they were mean, and I needed to repent for not, as my mother would say "assuming noble intent." Because I was isolated, and bullied at school, and treated like that at home, I never questioned it until I went to college. One day it occurred to me that I was only "sensitive" when people were mean. That is one of the reasons I ended up in therapy.

A Better Way:

In his Parenting book "Between Parent and Child" Dr. Hiam Ginott outlines how we can deal with our kids, even when they are not very good at expressing themselves. He says: “Children learn what they experience. They are like wet cement. Any word that falls on them makes an impact. It’s therefore important that parents learn to talk to children in a way that is not enraging, doesn’t inflict hurt, doesn’t diminish their children’s self-confidence, or cause them to lose faith in their competence and self-worth." (192) He describes using such language as "language that lingers lovingly"

He explained that we should be strict with misbehavior, but all feelings, wishes, and desires should be allowed. Feelings are involuntary. When I realized that it changed my life. I was not unlovable because I feel things deeply. I can see now that as that trait is refined it is one of my most useful traits. It is not possible to coerce people to stop feeling, and sometimes being overwhelmed by their emotions. If you try, it will create resentment, defiance, and a whole host of other problems. I have had some of them. This is not just an effective approach to communication, it is essential to raising confident, healthy adults.

If we want to influence our children, Ginott recommends we try to see their point of view and involve them in Problem solving. He has seven recommendations to meet those goals.

1. The beginning of wisdom is listening.

We need to try to understand what they mean.

2. Do not deny your child’s perceptions, do not dispute his feelings, do not disown his character, do not argue with his or her experience.

Just state the problem and a solution.

4. When angry, describe what you see, what you feel, and what you expect, starting with the pronoun “I”. “I’m angry. I’m annoyed. I’m furious. I’m indignant."

5. In praising, when you want to tell your children what you appreciate about them or their effort, describe the specific acts. Do not evaluate character traits.

describe what your children accomplish, instead of evaluating it. Help kids evaluate themselves.

6. Learn to say “no” in a less hurtful way, by granting in fantasy what you can’t grant in reality.

Be clear about why, and offer an alternative, or a future possibility.

7. Give children a choice and a voice in matters that affect their lives. 

Why It Matters:

Children are stuck. They are dependent, and they are told what to do all day. It is exhausting and frustrating, especially when they don't understand why they have to do some things. We shouldn't be surprised that even in the best circumstances, if they are resentful, and tired of being told what to do.  They need to feel confident about their abilities, and choices, and they need to be encouraged to think and act for themselves. We can build their confidence by treating their perspective as important, and valid. We can give them choices and teach them to express themselves in a productive way, especially when they are feeling strong emotions. This starts with listening.

The opposite of this approach leaves kids with a lot to overcome. As that is my journey, I can't emphasize it enough, it is easier to train a child, than fix an adult.  If you have ever wondered if some of the things you are saying are bordering on abusive language here are some good guides.  

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201704/forms-emotional-and-verbal-abuse-you-may-be-overlooking

https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/what-is-verbal-abuse#degradation

Ginott, H.G., (2003) Between Parent and Child. Three rivers press.  

 

The Nice Kind of Punishment.

Experience is a good teacher

Parenting is not a lot of fun sometimes. It often includes punishing ourselves too. This morning I had to enforce a boundary that I wish I didn't have to enforce. It seems like common sense.  I am ambivalent about electronics. I grew up before cell phones, and have only had one for just over a year myself. through a series of events we ended up with one for my husband, and an extra one that is semi-functional, that a kid has been using. My kids also were gifted tablets for Christmas.

I have strong feelings about my whole family getting enough sleep. I am militant about it. I require my kids to turn in their devices as night, and they stay in my room. The last thing they need is staying up on them at night.

The problem is that other kids don’t have these rules, and my kid is friends with them. I am not particularly concerned that she will miss anything, but the temptation is too much for her.

I have been threatening to take away the phone, and other devices, for a while now, but my stated consequences were not solid. Nothing like boundary pushing to resolve that.

How I learned a better way.

I tend to be an evangelizer. I can go on and on at my kids (poor kids) especially when I am frustrated. This time I decided to try something different.

I recently read a chapter in the book 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting by Dr. Laurence Steinberg. Called:  The right way to Punish

He outlines 5 steps to follow to manage such situations.

1.    An identification of the specific act that was wrong.

2.    A statement describing the impact of the misbehavior.

3.    A suggestion for one or more alternatives to the undesir­able behavior.

4.    A clear statement of what the punishment is going to be.

5.     A statement of your expectation that your child will do better the next time.

I think my daughter braced herself for me to go on and on this morning, as I gave her a ride. She was pleasantly surprised with my brevity. I said about this:

1.    You have not been turning in your electronics at bedtime.

2.    I am concerned that you are staying up late, and not getting enough sleep. This could lead to mental health challenges and make you too tired for school.

3.    I would like you to bring them to my room every night.

4.    I need you to give me the phone, today, you can have it back tomorrow.

5.    In the future, you will need to turn in your electronics every night, if you don’t, I will need to take them for the day.

She complied without an argument. She generally lets me talk when I run my commercials, but this approach was clear, kind, and efficient.

Why it worked:

My takeaway form this experience: this approach is a great way to break out of our tired, and less productive cycles, and get to clear consequences for rule breaking. It also outlines future expectations. I found myself handling the situation without a rise in emotions from either of us. Good relationships are built on clarity. It will make my parenting more effective, for the simple fact that this approach is more likely to be listened to, than if I resort to my lectures of the past. It also seems likely that these guidelines will not make kids want to hide their deviance, but be honest, and deal with the consequences.

          
 Steinberg says “The meaner and nastier you are, though, the less your child will care what you think. It's common sense. … when the content of what you are saying to your child is hostile or is delivered in an especially angry way, your child's attention will be drawn to the tone of the message rather than to the real substance of what you are trying to get across.”

A final thought:

I would extend that to say the longer you drone on the less likely they are to listen.

I see this as the best method for parenting my kids at the age they are now, however this is a mildly cumbersome process for younger kids. Here is some similar advice for younger kids.

Steinberg, L., (2004). Summing up: lessons to guide your parenting. 10 Basic principles of good    parenting (pp. 148-158). Simon and Schuster.

The Parenting Pyramid

I Have A Problem: 
 
Every time I have a major change to my schedule I end up with the same problem. My house gets dirty. I have a helpful husband who is not home a lot. and I have kids that are plenty old enough to clean, and clean well enough. They also are hard to convince to clean up without a few reminders. Ideally, they would clean up their own messes, and we would live in a tidy utopia. I would love if I didn't have to be the manager and referee in that situation. This has been raising questions for me, like "how do I get my kids to clean?" "how can I get them to do chores the first time they are asked?" "how can I get them to pick up after themselves?"

Seeing it Another Way:
 
Recently, I read an article from the Arbinger Institute, a foundation dedicated to helping organizations and families run better by teaching people how to improve themselves. This article called "The Parenting Pyramid" explains that in order to effectively correct our children, we don't need a new parenting style, we need to shift our perspective about parenting.

This process begins by considering two questions: "what should I do now that something has gone wrong?" and "how do I help things go right?" of course the knee jerk reaction to any problem in parenting is the first question. In my example above Those are real questions I asked myself just this morning, that is why I am writing this post. In the Parenting Pyramid concept, we are instructed that the key to effective parenting is to focus our energy on helping things go right, instead of on handling them once they have gone wrong.  

Of course, as I write this my knee jerk reaction is "you want me to what?" I am a busy person I don't have time for paradigm shifts" presumably, at least according to the article, this approach saves a lot of time, and energy in the long run. I suppose things are not going to improve on their own, and my approach so far is obviously not working.

The parenting Pyramid (as pictured above) shows that effective correction requires a foundation of four other levels. Each level is only truly effective, if the foundation beneath it is solid. At the top is correction. You cannot correct, without proper teaching, you cannot effectively teach without a high quality relationship with your child, we build a quality relationship by having one with our spouse, and we build that by improving our quality of our fundamental way of being. 

          How It Applies:

               I suppose that I need to come up with a new approach to a cleaner house.  Something I have learned about parenting is that we know more than we think we do; we just have to take a closer look at what we have already learned.  Getting annoyed isn't working. How can I teach my kids to be cleaner? I have a lot of opinions about how things should be done. I find my kids cooperate the best if they are not working alone. If I work with them, and show them my approach, rather than criticizing them, it gets a lot of better results. If I am not available, but I ask more than one of them to work together it usually works out better. I also get better results if I tell them what jobs need to get done. Retribution doesn't usually work well. In fact, it normally wastes time, and still nothing gets done.

               our kids are unlikely to learn from us if they don't like us. I need to build a relationship before I try to teach. If they have a good relationship, teaching is easy, and correction is natural.  I have spent a lot of time with my kids. We are all armed with a lot of insights into what makes our kids tick.  if you want some help identifying that, have them take this quiz for learning about what they need from you, and how to show your love for them most effectively https://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/children/ chances are, you know a lot about what they like already. 

               Our relationships with our kids greatly affected by the quality of our relationship with our spouse. Relationships are not separate, if one is strained, our behavior is strained. If parents have problems, kids get sucked into them. It is almost impossible to not take our problems out on someone, since our kids are a big part of our lives, they are common targets. Whether it is because we dump our emotions on them, or because we depend on them for our emotional needs, if there is conflict children can get used. The relationship of parents is central to the family.

purity of way of being. This lofty ideal is about having a pure perspective of other people. Do we see them as people? Do we see them only in terms of how they effect, or relate to us? We are people, that means this is hard especially when people are acting in ways that are hard to love. Simply put, we need to look for the things that get in the way and correct them. 

Final Thoughts: 

Just as the prevention of problems in one area of the pyramid, depends on the others, the solution to a problem in one part of the pyramid, lies in the part below. This is a plan for prevention. sometimes it is too late for that. When drastic measures are needed, we should begin immediately to work on the foundational levels. Don't use all your energy on correction. It may be a long time before we are able to teach. do all we can where we can. This is how we can make a difference to our child and strengthen our family.

So how does this apply to my dirty house? I need to help them by doing more to teach them how we get the house to stay clean. This will work better if I make sure to try to build my relationship with them. Quality is more important than quantity. In my busyness, I am neglecting my husband. We have been married long enough for me to know what needs work. Finally, I need to see my kids less as labor saving devices, and more as the lovely people they are, and consider that when I approach this problem.

The Arbinger Company, (1998) The Parenting Pyramid. The Arbinger Institute.