Experience
is a good teacher
Parenting
is not a lot of fun sometimes. It often includes punishing ourselves too. This
morning I had to enforce a boundary that I wish I didn't have to enforce. It
seems like common sense. I am ambivalent about electronics. I grew up before
cell phones, and have only had one for just over a year myself. through a series
of events we ended up with one for my husband, and an extra one that is semi-functional,
that a kid has been using. My kids also were gifted tablets for Christmas.
I
have strong feelings about my whole family getting enough sleep. I am militant
about it. I require my kids to turn in their devices as night, and they stay in
my room. The last thing they need is staying up on
them at night.
The
problem is that other kids don’t have these rules, and my kid is friends with
them. I am not particularly concerned that she will miss anything, but the
temptation is too much for her.
I
have been threatening to take away the phone, and other devices, for a while now,
but my stated consequences were not solid. Nothing like boundary pushing to
resolve that.
How I learned a better way.
I
tend to be an evangelizer. I can go on and on at my kids (poor kids) especially
when I am frustrated. This time I decided to try something different.
I
recently read a chapter in the book 10 Basic Principles of Good
Parenting by Dr. Laurence Steinberg. Called: The right way to Punish
He outlines 5
steps to follow to manage such situations.
1.
An
identification of the specific act that was wrong.
2.
A
statement describing the impact of the misbehavior.
3.
A
suggestion for one or more alternatives to the undesirable behavior.
4.
A
clear statement of what the punishment is going to be.
5.
A
statement of your expectation that your child will do better the next time.
I
think my daughter braced herself for me to go on and on this morning, as I gave
her a ride. She was pleasantly surprised with my brevity. I said about this:
1.
You
have not been turning in your electronics at bedtime.
2.
I
am concerned that you are staying up late, and not getting enough sleep. This could
lead to mental health challenges and make you too tired for school.
3.
I
would like you to bring them to my room every night.
4.
I
need you to give me the phone, today, you can have it back tomorrow.
5.
In
the future, you will need to turn in your electronics every night, if you don’t,
I will need to take them for the day.
She
complied without an argument. She generally lets me talk when I run my commercials,
but this approach was clear, kind, and efficient.
Why it worked:
My
takeaway form this experience: this approach is a great way to break out of our
tired, and less productive cycles, and get to clear consequences for rule breaking.
It also outlines future expectations. I found myself handling the situation
without a rise in emotions from either of us. Good relationships are built on
clarity. It will make my parenting more effective, for the simple fact that
this approach is more likely to be listened to, than if I resort to my lectures
of the past. It also seems likely that these guidelines will not make kids want
to hide their deviance, but be honest, and deal with the consequences.
Steinberg says “The meaner and nastier you are, though, the less your child will care what you think. It's common sense. … when the content of what you are saying to your child is hostile or is delivered in an especially angry way, your child's attention will be drawn to the tone of the message rather than to the real substance of what you are trying to get across.”
A final thought:
I
would extend that to say the longer you drone on the less likely they are to
listen.
I
see this as the best method for parenting my kids at the age they are now,
however this is a mildly cumbersome process for younger kids. Here is some similar advice for younger kids.
Steinberg, L., (2004). Summing up: lessons to guide your parenting.
10 Basic principles of good parenting (pp. 148-158). Simon and Schuster.
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