One Of the challenges I have faced in my parenting has come from the way I was raised. I am a rather sensitive person. In my family growing up this is a four-letter word. and it was hurled at me almost every day. Usually in the form of "you are too sensitive" or "stop being so sensitive." Along with that I used to hear things like: "don't borrow trouble" and "you are out to Lunch" whenever I had anxiety about things, whether they were big or small. Being told those things never made me feel less anxious or comforted. It also gave me some strange ideas about myself. I became convinced that my feelings were wrong, and that as I told a therapist one day "there is something about me that brings out the worst in people, and I need you to help me fix it, so people will like me. " I had become convinced that people were not being mean to me, but that I was imagining that they were mean, and I needed to repent for not, as my mother would say "assuming noble intent." Because I was isolated, and bullied at school, and treated like that at home, I never questioned it until I went to college. One day it occurred to me that I was only "sensitive" when people were mean. That is one of the reasons I ended up in therapy.
A Better Way:
In his Parenting book "Between Parent and Child" Dr. Hiam Ginott outlines how we can deal with our kids, even when they are not very good at expressing themselves. He says: “Children learn what they experience. They are like wet cement. Any word that falls on them makes an impact. It’s therefore important that parents learn to talk to children in a way that is not enraging, doesn’t inflict hurt, doesn’t diminish their children’s self-confidence, or cause them to lose faith in their competence and self-worth." (192) He describes using such language as "language that lingers lovingly"
He explained that we should
be strict with misbehavior, but all feelings, wishes, and desires should be
allowed. Feelings are involuntary. When I realized that it changed my life. I
was not unlovable because I feel things deeply. I can see now that as that
trait is refined it is one of my most useful traits. It is not possible to
coerce people to stop feeling, and sometimes being overwhelmed by their
emotions. If you try, it will create resentment, defiance, and a whole host of
other problems. I have had some of them. This is not just an effective approach
to communication, it is essential to raising confident, healthy adults.
If we want to influence our
children, Ginott recommends we try to see their point of view and involve them
in Problem solving. He has seven recommendations to meet those goals.
1. The beginning of wisdom is listening.
We need to try to understand what they mean.
2. Do not deny your child’s perceptions, do not
dispute his feelings, do not disown his character, do not argue with his or her
experience.
Just state the problem and a solution.
4. When angry, describe what you see, what you
feel, and what you expect, starting with the pronoun “I”. “I’m angry. I’m
annoyed. I’m furious. I’m indignant."
5. In praising, when you want to tell your
children what you appreciate about them or their effort, describe the specific
acts. Do not evaluate character traits.
describe what your children accomplish, instead
of evaluating it. Help kids evaluate themselves.
6. Learn to say “no” in a less hurtful way, by
granting in fantasy what you can’t grant in reality.
Be clear about why, and offer an alternative, or
a future possibility.
7. Give children a choice and a voice in matters that
affect their lives.
Why It Matters:
Why It Matters:
Children are stuck. They are
dependent, and they are told what to do all day. It is exhausting and
frustrating, especially when they don't understand why they have to do some
things. We shouldn't be surprised that even in the best circumstances, if they
are resentful, and tired of being told what to do. They need to feel confident about their
abilities, and choices, and they need to be encouraged to think and act for themselves.
We can build their confidence by treating their perspective as important, and
valid. We can give them choices and teach them to express themselves in a
productive way, especially when they are feeling strong emotions. This starts
with listening.
The opposite of this
approach leaves kids with a lot to overcome. As that is my journey, I can't emphasize
it enough, it is easier to train a child, than fix an adult. If you have ever wondered if some of the
things you are saying are bordering on abusive language here are some good
guides.
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/what-is-verbal-abuse#degradation
Ginott, H.G., (2003) Between Parent and Child. Three rivers press.
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