The Parenting Pyramid

I Have A Problem: 
 
Every time I have a major change to my schedule I end up with the same problem. My house gets dirty. I have a helpful husband who is not home a lot. and I have kids that are plenty old enough to clean, and clean well enough. They also are hard to convince to clean up without a few reminders. Ideally, they would clean up their own messes, and we would live in a tidy utopia. I would love if I didn't have to be the manager and referee in that situation. This has been raising questions for me, like "how do I get my kids to clean?" "how can I get them to do chores the first time they are asked?" "how can I get them to pick up after themselves?"

Seeing it Another Way:
 
Recently, I read an article from the Arbinger Institute, a foundation dedicated to helping organizations and families run better by teaching people how to improve themselves. This article called "The Parenting Pyramid" explains that in order to effectively correct our children, we don't need a new parenting style, we need to shift our perspective about parenting.

This process begins by considering two questions: "what should I do now that something has gone wrong?" and "how do I help things go right?" of course the knee jerk reaction to any problem in parenting is the first question. In my example above Those are real questions I asked myself just this morning, that is why I am writing this post. In the Parenting Pyramid concept, we are instructed that the key to effective parenting is to focus our energy on helping things go right, instead of on handling them once they have gone wrong.  

Of course, as I write this my knee jerk reaction is "you want me to what?" I am a busy person I don't have time for paradigm shifts" presumably, at least according to the article, this approach saves a lot of time, and energy in the long run. I suppose things are not going to improve on their own, and my approach so far is obviously not working.

The parenting Pyramid (as pictured above) shows that effective correction requires a foundation of four other levels. Each level is only truly effective, if the foundation beneath it is solid. At the top is correction. You cannot correct, without proper teaching, you cannot effectively teach without a high quality relationship with your child, we build a quality relationship by having one with our spouse, and we build that by improving our quality of our fundamental way of being. 

          How It Applies:

               I suppose that I need to come up with a new approach to a cleaner house.  Something I have learned about parenting is that we know more than we think we do; we just have to take a closer look at what we have already learned.  Getting annoyed isn't working. How can I teach my kids to be cleaner? I have a lot of opinions about how things should be done. I find my kids cooperate the best if they are not working alone. If I work with them, and show them my approach, rather than criticizing them, it gets a lot of better results. If I am not available, but I ask more than one of them to work together it usually works out better. I also get better results if I tell them what jobs need to get done. Retribution doesn't usually work well. In fact, it normally wastes time, and still nothing gets done.

               our kids are unlikely to learn from us if they don't like us. I need to build a relationship before I try to teach. If they have a good relationship, teaching is easy, and correction is natural.  I have spent a lot of time with my kids. We are all armed with a lot of insights into what makes our kids tick.  if you want some help identifying that, have them take this quiz for learning about what they need from you, and how to show your love for them most effectively https://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/children/ chances are, you know a lot about what they like already. 

               Our relationships with our kids greatly affected by the quality of our relationship with our spouse. Relationships are not separate, if one is strained, our behavior is strained. If parents have problems, kids get sucked into them. It is almost impossible to not take our problems out on someone, since our kids are a big part of our lives, they are common targets. Whether it is because we dump our emotions on them, or because we depend on them for our emotional needs, if there is conflict children can get used. The relationship of parents is central to the family.

purity of way of being. This lofty ideal is about having a pure perspective of other people. Do we see them as people? Do we see them only in terms of how they effect, or relate to us? We are people, that means this is hard especially when people are acting in ways that are hard to love. Simply put, we need to look for the things that get in the way and correct them. 

Final Thoughts: 

Just as the prevention of problems in one area of the pyramid, depends on the others, the solution to a problem in one part of the pyramid, lies in the part below. This is a plan for prevention. sometimes it is too late for that. When drastic measures are needed, we should begin immediately to work on the foundational levels. Don't use all your energy on correction. It may be a long time before we are able to teach. do all we can where we can. This is how we can make a difference to our child and strengthen our family.

So how does this apply to my dirty house? I need to help them by doing more to teach them how we get the house to stay clean. This will work better if I make sure to try to build my relationship with them. Quality is more important than quantity. In my busyness, I am neglecting my husband. We have been married long enough for me to know what needs work. Finally, I need to see my kids less as labor saving devices, and more as the lovely people they are, and consider that when I approach this problem.

The Arbinger Company, (1998) The Parenting Pyramid. The Arbinger Institute.